Extreme Communication

There is a generational gap in communication in every family and every culture. The older generations looks down on the younger and the children don't respect the parents, because we are stubborn and we think we know everything and they can't possibly have anything to say of importance. We are ignorant and don't listen to each other's advice, and there in lies the conflict of never getting along. We fight over everything from religion and politics, from who should be president to what restaurant we should go to. When we are not arguing, we are silent towards each other, not knowing how to communicate in soft voices. If we as members of a family want to live peacefully, we need to learn how to communicate successfully.

As members of a family or culture, we all have different viewpoints. In "My Son The Fanatic" by Hanif Kureishi, a father and son cannot agree on religion or cultural issues, taking their arguments to the extreme. Parvez, the father, is a taxi driver and avid drinker and gambler who is best friends with a prostitute. Ali, his teenage son, has found the religion Parvez has escaped from, trying to live the Islamic way of life to the strictest enforcement. Parvez describes their relationship when Ali was younger as them being "brothers," but since Ali has grown up, he thinks his son is "torturing" him (Kureishi 1013-1014). I believe Parvez takes Ali's formation of his own mind, apart from Parvez's, too personally. Parvez views change and uniqueness as terrifying, without embracing Ali's differences.

Since we don't know how to communicate with our relatives, we come up with other methods to find out what is going on with the other, without asking them directly. Instead of asking Ali why he is throwing out his things, Parvez chooses to spy on his son, going through his things and listening at his door, assuming the worst. Parvez chooses to talk about his son's actions to his friends, rather than talking to his son directly. It doesn't help that Ali is moody and quiet and probably feeling isolated because of his new path. They choose to only speak to each other in moments of anger, showing us they don't trust each other.

As relatives, we have high expectations for our parents and our children, whether they want to agree to them or not. All Parvez wants for his son is for him to "get a good job now, marry the right girl, and start a family" (Kureishi 1013). Parvez escaped to England so his family would have a better life and more freedom, free of strict religious enforcement and to be able to have any opportunity they want. Did he ever ask his son if he wanted the same things for himself? What he expected from his son and what his son actually wants are two separate entities. It's frustrating for Parvez, that Ali has fully embraced the strong religious faith Parvez is trying to get away from. Ali is trying to get his dad to give up his vices and join him in "paradise" when their lives are over, but Parvez would rather enjoy his life and his new freedom to the fullest (Kureishi 1016). They are both doing what they think is right in their hearts, based on their experiences with their cultures, and are angered over the one they care about, choosing a different way of living.

When we argue, we don't always think about where the other person is coming from, tending to only see things from our one side. Ali and Parvez disrespect each other's lifestyles and are very judgmental. Ali clearly hates the culture of England, telling Parvez, he is "too implicated in Western Civilization" and "Western education cultivates an anti-religious attitude," making him seem like an obnoxious opinionated teenager (Kureishi 1016). He also tells his father the problem with England is that the law will "let you do almost anything. . .," which Parvez clearly has no problem with (Kureishi 1016). Parvez clearly is upset by his son telling him he is "going to hell" and his response is to want to tell Ali "to pick up his prayer mat and get out" of his house (Kureishi 1016-1017). They both believe it is their way of life or nothing at all. As long as this hierarchy of attitude and resentment continues, it will continue to be tense in their household.

When we firmly believe in our causes and try to get our points across, we sometimes use violence to try to forcefully change the other person's mind. Parvez crosses the line when he beats Ali for disrespecting him and shows us readers that force and violence are not the answer. Ali crosses the line when he is very judgmental of his father's actions as well as saying disrespectful things to his father's friend, Bettina. They can't agree to disagree, because they are always trying to change the other person. With Ali being a teenager, there is hope he will grow out of his judgmental ways. If Parvez and Ali continue to act this way, treating each other with malice, there's no hope for peace between them.

We are humans with sensitive feelings. As readers, we can sympathize with both Parvez and Ali at times, because we all have been in their situations. Parvez is only a dad trying to get his son back, wanting to reconnect with him, and the son won't compromise. Ali is only a growing son whose dad won't accept the new him, calling his son's new behavior an "injustice" (Kureishi 1013). When we say negative comments about how the opposing side lives, we should expect them to be defensive and try to hurt the other person with insults.

We can view Max's family of pimps and prostitutes in "The Homecoming" by Harold Pinter, as an extreme case of what to expect if people in a family never learn to get along, since Max's children are all grown up and still living at home being pimps like their dad. Like Parvez and Ali, there seems to be little hope for change in the future for these characters as well.

When our feelings have been hurt, we don't let the past go and are not quick to forgive. Max tells Ruth to "live in the present... Who can afford to live in the past?," which would be good advice, coming from another source who doesn't seem to still be stuck in his past (Pinter 752). Max is the one who has led his family on the path of destruction, making his sons recruit other pimps and prostitutes for their monetary gain. Lenny wants to know "the real facts" about his "background," but Max is dismissive, so Lenny becomes very antagonistic to his father based on their past conflicts and taunts his father with questions he knows will upset Max (Pinter 747). If we live in the past and keep bringing up past issues, they will never be forgotten or free of pain.

As relatives, we choose to fight over trivial things instead of what we really want to fight about. In this story, we really never know what the characters are actually fighting about, because the author tries to distract us with line breaks and pauses, with the characters asking about random things with very little meaning. Lenny responds to Max's questions about the location of his scissors, saying, "Why don't you shut up, you daft prat?" (Pinter 735). This fight clearly isn't about scissors. It's about years of pent up anger over Max's ignorance of his son's hard to bear questions. If they can't express their feelings as clear as possible, there will always be confusion about what they are really trying to say.

These communication theories based on family dynamics can be applied to society as a whole. We need to treat everyone as if they are our dearest relatives, caring about them for who they are. We also need to respectfully communicate with them at every opportunity, by trying to get our opinions across as peacefully as possible. Like Salman Rushdie says in his speech, "Is Nothing Sacred?," we as society should respond to each other's differences, "not by an attack, but by a declaration of love" (Rushdie 983).

Works Cited
Kureishi, Hanif. "My Son the Fanatic." The Broadview Anthology of British Literature. By Joseph Black. Vol. 6. Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 2006. 1013-018.
Pinter, Harold. "The Homecoming." The Broadview Anthology of British Literature. By Joseph Laurence Black. Vol. 6. Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 2006. 735-64.

Rushdie. "Is Nothing Sacred?" The Broadview Anthology of British Literature. By Joseph Laurence Black. Vol. 6. Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 2006. 983.